Lent |lent| · noun – the period preceding Easter that in the Christian Church is devoted to fasting, abstinence, and penitence in commemoration of Christ’s fasting in the wilderness. In the Western Church it runs from Ash Wednesday to Holy Saturday and so includes forty weekdays.

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I can remember back in high school when my friends who were Catholic would celebrate Lent and I just had no idea what that was about. I knew they gave up something for 40 days but then they ate fish on Friday? I grew up in a Baptist church so the Catholic religion and traditions were lost in my world.

Fast forward a few years and you will see a more astute Christian version of me participating in Lent the only way I knew how: I gave up sodas one year and I think gum the next year. Nothing too earth shattering or world rocking, but I am a lover of Diet Coke so it was hard. From what I understood I was to give up an earthly comfort and, when craving to partake in this earthly comfort, I should pray to God and ask Him take away the temptation, remind me of His sacrifice and then all will be well with my soul (for the time being).

Now I find myself in a different place. I have walked a rough road when it comes to organized tradition and I’ve experienced heartache in the my work with the church. But I currently find it pretty near impossible to separate the two. For most of my life I have defined myself by my religious beliefs so… what do I do now? What defines me? I struggle to be called a Daughter of the King or a Bride of Jesus or a Christian at all.

Conundrum.

I was talking with a friend while at MHGS today and she mentioned this idea that she heard from Peter Rollins: instead of participating in Lent through the act of taking something away from your life to bring you closer to God, Peter suggests doing something a bit different.

Add something to your life.

Search for the answers to the questions you may have been too scared to ask out loud.

Read, discuss, doubt, wonder.

explore.

For me this takes on a pilgrimage vibe of sorts. Am I ready to give up my anger and deal with the sadness underneath? Do I want to search for the answers God has waiting for me, or am I looking for a particular answer to an unknown question? What if nothing has changed in 40 days? What if everything has changed in 10? Am I ready for my life to be different, or for me to be different? I don’t have any answers, but that is what this journey for me is all about.